October 02nd, 2019

Song Interpretation: Beck “Guess I’m Doing Fine”

There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the song she sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me

I just wade the tides that turned
’Til I learn to leave the past behind

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow

Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I’ve been missing
Missing all this time

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

“Guess I’m Doing Fine” is the third track on Beck’s 2002 album Sea Change. Written in the aftermath of his break-up with a longtime girlfriend, the album is full of themes of love lost and melancholy. While the pain of a break-up is the obvious interpretation of this and many other songs on the album, and perhaps the artist’s intended meaning, this song is quite powerful when considered as an expression of the schizoid experience. Following is not a diagnosis of Beck, nor a claim on the true meaning of the song; this is one therapist's interpretation of this beautifully sorrowful piece.

A central dynamic of the schizoid experience is being caught between a longing for contact with people  and the fear of that contact. Schizoid individuals learned very early in life that genuine contact with others is in some way dangerous or not possible. In an attempt to solve this dilemma, schizoid individuals will create a separation between their inward self and the outer world, disconnecting their genuine affective experience of things from external reality and especially other people. In this way, they can attempt to meet some kind of minimum need for relationship to others, while protecting their inner self from the psychic threat that others have come to represent.

There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the song she sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me

Loss of affective connection to external reality comes through clear in the first verse.

I just wade the tides that turned
’Til I learn to leave the past behind

Until he learns that the danger and the need to disconnect is in the past, he’ll wade the tides that turned. The attempt to genuinely connect was dangerous and futile, like trying to oppose a turning tide. The best he can do is attempt to wade through.

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

To express one’s true self invites danger, so it must be hidden or even lost entirely, in the presence of others. But to not be one’s self around others is to lose out on true relationship. The schizoid person’s initial attempts to be connected could not work. There is a great loss in the longed for connection that didn’t happen. Despite this loss, the schizoid person, at least outwardly, maintains the appearance of guess I’m doing fine.

All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow

The young child can’t win against the threatening and/or disinterested caregiver(s). He gives up the battle and accepts the long dark night. Yellow roses, often associated with joy, delight, and platonic love, got no time to watch them grow.

Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me

To disconnect one’s self is to retreat from relationship, a retreat that was originally quite necessary. In the safety of isolation, both literal and psychological, there and only there I can be myself.

Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I’ve been missing
Missing all this time

When discussing the subjective experience of being disconnected, many schizoid individuals use metaphors, such as having a pane of glass between themselves and others. The warmth of the longed for connection is seen, but not felt, just on the other side of that glass.

Psychotherapy can be quite challenging for the person in the schizoid position. In all psychotherapy, genuine contact with another person is a key element in the healing. A competent psychotherapist will strive to relate in a way that is safe, attuned, interested, and values the integrity of one’s autonomous self. In this context, one can learn to leave the past behind, that it is safe to come out from behind the glass, and that the warmth of contact is available on the other side.