4 Things We Lose, When We Don't See Our Clients In Person  Video and phone counseling has been gaining in popularity in recent years. There is research to suggest that these forms of counseling are just as effective as in person counseling. While I am a believer in science, I struggle to square the results of that research with realities of video and phone counseling discussed below. As a result, I find myself thinking that this research must be flawed, though I acknowledge I do not have experiments to refute it, only the thoughts that follow and the feeling in my gut.
This issue has become even more important during the time of the COVID-19 pandemic. The vast majority of counseling is now taking place by video or phone, and understandably so. As the health crisis continues, and economies begin to slowly re-open, many discussions are occurring between therapists about when to go back to in-person therapy. Understandably, most of the discussion has centered-around the importance of keeping each other safe from and slowing the spread of infections. I present this list, not as an argument for therapists to ignore risk and go back to in-person therapy, but to give voice to concerns I have about the effectiveness of video and phone therapy. Of course, reasonable precautions during a health crisis must be assessed. Additionally, as a reasonable level of safety is approached, so too should the effectiveness of the treatment be a part of the decision making process. I do not know when therapists should go back to seeing clients in-person.* The circumstances individual to each client and therapist are so varied that there cannot be a universal answer. Even during the heart of this pandemic, there are clients whose circumstances make video and phone counseling unrealistic, who are in great need of treatment, and whose therapists have calculated the risk involved and determined to see them in person. I don’t fault anyone, therapist or client, for choosing to be careful during this difficult health crisis. I’m not even sure myself what the best course of action is yet. I only want to acknowledge a part of the equation which seems to me to be lacking in the discussion of when to go back to seeing clients in person again. These are four important things lost, when we don’t see our clients in person: 1. Non Verbal Communication The lion’s share of communication is non-verbal, and a great deal of that is lost over video and phone. Over the phone, volume and tone of voice are the only non-verbal cues that are transmitted, and only as well as the sound quality of the call allows. Over video, you can only see the portion of the body which is within the frame of the camera. Many people will chose to sit close to the camera, because to sit far away (and therefore have more of the body visible) is to see each other less clearly. It would take very large screens, expensive, high-quality equipment, and excellent internet speed, to be able to have both parties fully visible in each other’s screens with high resolution, to come close to the visibility of one another that is achieved in a face-to-face meeting. This just isn’t reasonable for the majority of therapists and clients, and so people often choose to sit in such a way as to be visible approximately from the chest-up. As a result, all of the non-verbal communication that is left out to the screen, such as posture and movement, is not visible to therapist or client. When one or both parties sits far enough away to see the full body of the other, their nonverbal communication is still limited by the size and quality of the video coming through. Non-verbal communication is vital to the process of psychotherapy. Posture, movement, and how a client chooses to physically arrange themselves in relation to the therapist tell the story of the client’s struggle in ways that they often can’t, and may not even be aware of. The therapist’s posture, movement, and arrangement in relation to the client give the client vital information about who the person is that they are attempting to open their hearts to. The coming together of hearts and minds for the purpose of healing is hindered by the communicative limitations inherent in phone and video counseling. 2. Eye-Contact Eye-contact, which could also fall under non-verbal communication, is a real problem over-video, and impossible over phone. You can look at each other’s eyes on the screen, but you can’t look into each others eyes. When you look down at the screen, to see the eyes of the other person, you are not looking directly into the camera, and when they do the same, they aren’t either. Obviously, looking at the camera is no solution to this problem. Each person is looking at the other’s eyes looking slightly down towards a screen. What is lost, if the eyes are the window to the soul? 3. The Work of Being With An Other People who come to therapy usually have difficulties in their relationships with others. Many therapists, including myself, would argue that client’s relational difficulties are most often core to what brought them to therapy in the first place. People’s difficulties in relating to others manifest themselves in their relationship to the therapist. The therapist’s job is to become aware of this and, largely through the therapeutic relationship, help the client repair their relational capacities so that they can be utilized by the client to form and maintain healthy and satisfying relationships in their life. The relationship between the client and the therapist is not lost over phone and video, but it is significantly altered. The impact of that alteration depends upon the particular relational difficulties of the client. In many cases, the client may feel safer talking to the therapist over phone or video, but this is a barrier to the person getting better in the long-term. By avoiding the anxiety that is brought about by being in the physical presence of the other, the working through of that anxiety so that healthy closeness can be achieved when desired in other relationships, is also avoided. You cannot work through that which is not evoked. 4. The Sacred Space of the Therapeutic Milieu Where we do something influences how we do it. Sleep experts advise us to keep the bedroom for sleeping and not to use it for TV watching, studying, working, etc., so that we know deep down that this space is for sleeping. Working from home creates challenges around the boundaries of work and relaxation. Some who work from home struggle with getting enough done, while others can’t seem to put work away. For certain parts of life, mixing spaces causes confusion and difficulty. Just as the bedroom is the space for sleeping, the therapy office is the space for therapy. The office provides safety, privacy, and comfort for the difficult task of working through one’s problems with the help of an other. The hour in that office provides a boundary around an important part of the client’s process in becoming a happier, healthier person. The therapist assists in creating this boundary with the way that they furnish and arrange the space to encourage a therapeutic environment. Over video and phone, the client misses out on this sacred space. * I recognize that there are clients whose life circumstances and difficulties make in person therapy impractical or impossible and that for these clients, video or phone therapy is a great option. This is a subject for a different paper and is not relevant here.
0 Comments
What I Like About Being A Therapist (So Far)  I started counseling people during my graduate program in 2014. Since then, I have worked at a university counseling clinic, two community mental health clinics, a group practice, and my own private practice. I’ve worked with people from a wide variety of cultural and economic backgrounds, facing all kinds of life’s challenges. Here is what I enjoy about being a therapist, so far:
I never know what’s going to happen each day, when I go into the office. Even when I’m seeing well established clients, and I feel I have a decent grasp of what they are dealing with, I never know. There are so many factors involved in the lives and development of people, and I get to join with people as that unfolds. Sitting with the ambiguity of not knowing can be difficult, but it seems to get easier with practice. In my line of work, I am always learning. I learn from colleagues, trainings, and books (I love reading in my field!), but most of all I learn from my clients and from watching my own reactions to their process. I’m so privileged in my work to get to know people well. I benefit from their knowledge and experiences and also from sorting out how I can best be of help to people as they work through their struggle. Being a therapist forces me to work on being humble and compassionate. While I’ve developed some expertise between my education and clinical experiences, people don’t work like paint by numbers. I have to balance what I know with a healthy dose of what I don’t know, so I can really see the person who is in front of me. Sometimes I’m faced with interactions that are quite difficult, or with learning things about people that I find objectionable. When my attitude is right, I can approach even the more difficult aspects of being human without judgment and with an understanding that people are basically good and people’s rough edges exist for a reason not only understandable but also deserving of compassion. People are so interesting! I’m lucky that I get to sit and talk with people for my living; to get to know about them, about life, and about myself. I get so much satisfaction, when I see people start to move out of old ways of being and circumstances that no longer serve them, and I get to see who they really are deep down start to come back to life. I get to be with people in that process, and in order to help people through it, I get to keep working on my own. This is why I love my work. Here's My Problem, So What Should I Do?  Psychotherapy takes time. Periodically, a new client will come in for the first time, succinctly describe their perception of their problem, there will be a second or two of silence, and then they will say something like “so, what should I do?” At this point, rather than tell them what to do, I try to get the person to continue talking about themselves and their problem. If only the problems that we take to therapy could be solved in a brief conversation! But why isn’t it that simple?
First of all, neither I nor the client is likely to understand what is going on for the client in great depth after just one conversation. Even if I, as the therapist, had a pretty solid idea about what was happening and how the client could help themselves out of it, it’s not enough for me to understand. The person who really needs to understand the problem is the client and my job as the therapist is to assist the client in finding that understanding for themselves, primarily through deep listening and encouraging an exploratory attitude in our relationship and only secondarily through my expertise in how psychological problems happen and what tends to help people work through them. In addition to understanding a problem, people come for help in figuring out what to do about it. Just as it is vital that the client come to their own understanding of their problem, they must also ultimately make their own decision about what to do about it. It is the client’s life and they must live it. Even if I knew the client’s problem well, and I had a workable solution in mind, by telling them what to do I would rob them of the chance to become better at finding their own creative solutions to life’s problems. And anyway, most things in life have many possible solutions, so who am I to be the one to decide how other people should live? Leaving the ultimate decisions about how to understand and solve one’s problem to the client doesn’t mean that I don’t intervene in any way or that I keep all of my thoughts to myself. I will at times share thoughts I’m having about people’s problems, things people might try to better understand, manage, and work through their problems, and things that I know about psychology in general. The difference is that this is done in a tentative, exploratory way, as a collaborative conversation about what might be happening and what might help, rather than what I know is happening and what I know the client should do. I use my knowledge and skills to help other people find a more authentic and satisfying path for themselves. In my experience, many of the problems which people bring to therapy are rooted in well established, unconscious patterns in the way that one relates to themselves and the world. One reason why therapy takes time is that patterns take time to emerge, be understood, and change. Old, stuck patterns are hard to see in ourselves, can be hard to talk about, and may involve great discomfort. The act of talking about our problems with another person can be difficult in itself, requires the building of trust, and that trust takes time to establish. The emotional discomfort that can come when we start to see through and attempt to change old patterns may take time to learn to tolerate and eventually work through. What results from that working through is relief, understanding, and a shift to a freer and more authentic way of relating to one’s self and the world. While therapy may not provide the fast and easy solutions that we would all like to have, you may find with time that it provides a depth of answers you can really use. Song Interpretation: Beck “Guess I’m Doing Fine” There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the song she sings All the jewels in heaven They don’t look the same to me I just wade the tides that turned ’Til I learn to leave the past behind It’s only lies that I’m living It’s only tears that I’m crying It’s only you that I’m losing Guess I’m doing fine All the battlements are empty And the moon is laying low Yellow roses in the graveyard Got no time to watch them grow Now I bade a friend farewell I can do whatever pleases me It’s only lies that I’m living It’s only tears that I’m crying It’s only you that I’m losing Guess I’m doing fine Press my face up to the window To see how warm it is inside See the things that I’ve been missing Missing all this time It’s only lies that I’m living It’s only tears that I’m crying It’s only you that I’m losing Guess I’m doing fine “Guess I’m Doing Fine” is the third track on Beck’s 2002 album Sea Change. Written in the aftermath of his break-up with a longtime girlfriend, the album is full of themes of love lost and melancholy. While the pain of a break-up is the obvious interpretation of this and many other songs on the album, and perhaps the artist’s intended meaning, this song is quite powerful when considered as an expression of the schizoid experience. Following is not a diagnosis of Beck, nor a claim on the true meaning of the song; this is one therapist's interpretation of this beautifully sorrowful piece. A central dynamic of the schizoid experience is being caught between a longing for contact with people and the fear of that contact. Schizoid individuals learned very early in life that genuine contact with others is in some way dangerous or not possible. In an attempt to solve this dilemma, schizoid individuals will create a separation between their inward self and the outer world, disconnecting their genuine affective experience of things from external reality and especially other people. In this way, they can attempt to meet some kind of minimum need for relationship to others, while protecting their inner self from the psychic threat that others have come to represent. There’s a blue bird at my window I can’t hear the song she sings All the jewels in heaven They don’t look the same to me Loss of affective connection to external reality comes through clear in the first verse. I just wade the tides that turned ’Til I learn to leave the past behind Until he learns that the danger and the need to disconnect is in the past, he’ll wade the tides that turned. The attempt to genuinely connect was dangerous and futile, like trying to oppose a turning tide. The best he can do is attempt to wade through. It’s only lies that I’m living It’s only tears that I’m crying It’s only you that I’m losing Guess I’m doing fine To express one’s true self invites danger, so it must be hidden or even lost entirely, in the presence of others. But to not be one’s self around others is to lose out on true relationship. The schizoid person’s initial attempts to be connected could not work. There is a great loss in the longed for connection that didn’t happen. Despite this loss, the schizoid person, at least outwardly, maintains the appearance of guess I’m doing fine. All the battlements are empty And the moon is laying low Yellow roses in the graveyard Got no time to watch them grow The young child can’t win against the threatening and/or disinterested caregiver(s). He gives up the battle and accepts the long dark night. Yellow roses, often associated with joy, delight, and platonic love, got no time to watch them grow. Now I bade a friend farewell I can do whatever pleases me To disconnect one’s self is to retreat from relationship, a retreat that was originally quite necessary. In the safety of isolation, both literal and psychological, there and only there I can be myself. Press my face up to the window To see how warm it is inside See the things that I’ve been missing Missing all this time When discussing the subjective experience of being disconnected, many schizoid individuals use metaphors, such as having a pane of glass between themselves and others. The warmth of the longed for connection is seen, but not felt, just on the other side of that glass. Psychotherapy can be quite challenging for the person in the schizoid position. In all psychotherapy, genuine contact with another person is a key element in the healing. A competent psychotherapist will strive to relate in a way that is safe, attuned, interested, and values the integrity of one’s autonomous self. In this context, one can learn to leave the past behind, that it is safe to come out from behind the glass, and that the warmth of contact is available on the other side. Isolation  Many people who come to therapy struggle with isolation. Some may stay close to immediate family, others may have a friend or two or a romantic partner, but don’t venture outside of a small, familiar circle. Still others may spend virtually all of their time alone. While some who isolate feel lonely and desire more connection, others appear to prefer their solitude, though they may experience a general dissatisfaction with their life.
Isolation has its roots in our beliefs about ourselves and other people. These beliefs are informed by past experiences, especially very early experiences with important others, especially our primary caregivers, when our minds are still developing. If being with people and attempts to seek connection regularly or traumatically led to being hurt, betrayed, or abandoned in some way, then a person may learn to be wary of approaching people in the future. In an attempt to prevent themselves from getting hurt again, they may adopt the belief that everyone is likely to hurt them in the same way either because everyone is bad in this way, and/or because one blames one’s self and views one’s own badness as a just reason for the painful treatment that they received (i.e. who would want to be nice to someone like me?). Some people’s experience of being with others was problematic enough that they learned to shut off their feelings of desire for connection all together. It can be very difficult to trust people enough to reach out again, or even allow one’s self to feel a desire for connection, when one has been hurt sufficiently in relationships. Understandably, a person may shape their life around avoiding too much contact with people, or at least new people who aren’t already known to be “safe.” Such a person may find their life quite unsatisfying, given the limitations of what they feel they can engage in safely, without risking too much contact. As the avoidance of people goes on, such a person may add to their misery by criticizing themselves for not having any friends, lacking social skills, or being “irrationally” afraid, further solidifying their isolation. Still others may surround themselves only with one or a small number of people who do hurt, betray, and/or abandon them, perpetuating their beliefs about people in general, and keeping them away from the satisfying relationships that they truly desire. The truth is that there’s a world full of people out there and while a few of them can hurt you, many of them are good, fun loving people who are happy to make a new connection. This last sentence may cause you to scoff, and that’s OK, but what if you tested it? If the idea of testing it seems overwhelming, that’s OK too. You don’t have to shy away from these feelings, or accept them as fate; a good relationship with a competent therapist can help to make sense of them, better cope with them, and, if you want, support you in pursuing and achieving enriching relationships with others. You don’t have to stay alone, lonely, missing out, or limited in unsatisfying relationships. The road to other people may be difficult, but you don’t have to walk it alone either. Dissociation  Dissociation is one of our protective responses to situations which overwhelm our capacity to cope in the moment. Our nervous system becomes hypo-activated, resulting in a reduced sense of ourselves and/or the world around us. Dissociation occurs on a continuum, ranging from a slight numbness or spaciness at one end to episodes in which one is awake and acting in the world for a significant period of time which they will not remember when the episode is over. This is can be a very effective strategy for helping us to get through an unbearable situation and it can become a problem for us if we get stuck in a pattern of dissociating after the unbearable situation is over.
Trauma is the primary cause of dissociation. Traumas can be single events or chronic distressing circumstances. When the trauma is successfully worked through, the need for dissociating, or splitting off from the experience, disappears. Before it is worked through, situations which are in some way reminiscent of the trauma, even if quite different and totally benign in the present, may trigger dissociation. For example, a woman who witnessed domestic violence between her parents over and over again growing up might find herself going numb at the earliest sign of conflict between romantic partners as an adult. Frustration between romantic partners is the familiar cue, even though most partners can have conflict in a peaceful and productive way. Dissociation can take many forms. One may feel disconnected from one’s body, from the world around them, or both. People often report that there is a movie like quality to life, or that it’s as if there is an invisible wall of glass between them and the world. Some people feel like they are outside of themselves, watching things happen to them. The defining feature is that we lose present moment contact, to one degree or another, with ourselves and/or the world. While dissociation is a great protective resource through an unbearable experience, it can be quite costly when it keeps happening after the experience is over. When we dissociate, we lose contact with ourselves and the world overall, which means we are also disconnected from joyful and pleasurable experiences. Disorientation and a lack of feeling can be just as distressing, if in a different way, than too much of an unpleasant feeling. The reduction in awareness that we experience can also leave us more susceptible to being traumatized again, as we may not notice cues in ourselves and the environment that something is amiss. In reality, we may now have the capacity to deal with new risky situations, but we need to be aware of what is happening, in order to respond to them effectively. Overcoming dissociation is a process of learning how to regain contact, regulate emotions, tolerate feeling again, and work through the trauma which led to the dissociation in the first place. There are many strategies for doing this, but what strategy is best will depend on the individual and the specifics of the trauma that they have experienced. The first step is simply to notice when you are dissociating. Because it can be quite difficult to work through the memory of the trauma which underlies the dissociation, it is important to seek out the help of a professional, such as a therapist, who is trained and experienced in treating these difficulties. It may take time, and not be easy, but you can regain contact and know that it is safe for you to be in the world again. When Social Media and Politics Become A Toxic Combination  People often say that it’s important to be aware of the political issues of the day. Some would even consider it a civic duty. We hope that humanity is evolving, becoming more fair and just. We pay attention because we want humanity to do better, but when are we committing too much of our time, energy, and even identity to politics?
Social media is the ultimate rabbit hole. Social media companies make money by selling advertising space, and user data. The more time a person spends on social media and the more things they click on or post, the more advertising space and info these companies can sell. To get people to spend time clicking away, social media platforms are programmed to show content that is similar to what users have interacted with previously and things that are likelier to get clicks, such as content that will make people feel fearful and/or outraged. Social media algorithms create a political echo chamber. As you continue to click, the websites show you more and more of what you already think, what you’re afraid of, what makes you so mad, and less and less of other perspectives. Pretty soon, all you see online is confirmation that everything you think is right and an extremely polarized world full of people who either agree with you or are the most heinous and extreme examples of other political perspectives, with nothing in between. Comment sections can easily add fuel to the fire, as a loud minority of people use the distance and anonymity of the internet to verbally abuse people who think differently than they do. The social media rabbit-hole is especially troublesome for people who are isolated or have other mental health challenges. The picture of the world as portrayed by a social media algorithm is easily countered by pleasurable relationships with people in real life, but many people who struggle with relationships and mental health don’t have the kind of relationships that would counteract this bleak picture. Faced with a corrupt, angering, and frightening world, such people may find themselves seeking out relationships only with people who agree with them, with people who confirm their dark view of humanity, or perhaps avoiding relationships with others as much as possible. People who tend to isolate themselves and who struggle with mental health issues often have beliefs that the world of people isn’t such a safe and friendly place, in one way or another, and the world as portrayed by social media reinforces that view. The polarized version of the world that our social media platforms create for us is bad for mental health, bad for relationships, and bad for community. When decent people stop seeking out other decent people, there’s more loneliness in the world. When all we hear is the people at the extremes, we get paranoid. When we stay home, away from the people right outside our door, our ability to relate atrophies and we forget that most people are decent, even when they think differently. Life is complicated and our beliefs are driven by our rational thought much less than we’d like to imagine. Educate yourself, be aware of the important issues, but also be aware how your time on social media is impacting you. Spend time outside, spend time with people in your community, and remember that as we practice listening, communicating, negotiating, taking care of, and enjoying one another, we make the world a better place. Wounds to the Self Most people these days recognize blatant forms of child abuse and neglect. Beating children, denying them their basic needs of food, shelter, and medical care, or engaging in any kind of sexual relationship with them is widely accepted as wrong and destructive. But there are many other ways that parents can harm their children, intentionally or not, which remain less recognized. Children’s development is more than just physical, it is relational and psychological as well. It takes more than food, shelter, freedom from physical threat, and even the coolest toys that money can buy, for a child to develop into a healthy, happy adult self.
No parent is perfect, and no parent has to be perfect. There is a relatively consistent, and yet imperfect, level of meeting your child’s needs that is good enough. Not all parents parent at that good enough level. Some recognize there’s a problem and seek help. Others are unable, or unwilling, to face themselves, and thus do real harm to their children. Usually, such parents are just unconsciously passing on similar hurts that have been passed on for multiple generations within a family. The pattern remains unbroken, until it is faced, and the pain not passed on to the next generation. Children need to know that they are wanted. They can get the message that they are unwanted explicitly through statements that they aren’t wanted, that they were a mistake, that their being born ruined things, that they’ll be sent away because they’re too much, etc.. This message can come implicitly through parents who are cold, uninterested, inattentive, and not engaged. A child that feels that they are not wanted cannot feel safe and secure. Children are born with needs that they have little to no ability to fulfill themselves, at least at first. Parents whose needs went unmet in some significant way may have trouble consistently meeting their child’s needs, as their child’s needs remind them of their own pain at having been left wanting. Children may learn to disown their needs, leading to problems in taking care of themselves and/or depending on others in the future. Some parents may attempt to use their children to fulfill their unmet needs and the child, being dependent upon the parent, is forced to attempt to try. This is an inappropriate reversal of roles and completely unfair to the child. Children are individuals, separate and distinct from their parents. Independent exploration, self-control, and self-expression are ways that children figure out who they are as individuals. Of course, parents need to set limits on their child’s behavior, when it becomes unsafe or socially unacceptable. However, when parents are overly anxious, controlling, punitive, or they withdraw affection in response to reasonable moves by their children to explore the world, control their own body, differentiate and express themselves, the child is forced to deny their own natural impulses, conform, and/or cling in various ways. Children have some amazing qualities, and in other ways they are quite vulnerable and unskilled. Some parents use their children’s admirable qualities and achievements to prop up their own fragile self-esteem. Such parents may view their child’s vulnerabilities as unacceptable. Still other parents may see their child’s special qualities as a threat to their own superiority, and put their children down. In either case, the parents cannot accept the child as having strengths and weaknesses and the child internalizes this view that they must be exceptional, or they are not loved. This is not an exhaustive list, but it does contain some common ways that many parents do harm to their children. When such interactions between parents and children are chronic, and go unaddressed, they lead to largely unconscious and difficult to change patterns in the ways that individuals relate to themselves, others, and the world. These patterns do not have to remain fixed, however. For someone with such a history, a skilled psychotherapist is an excellent ally who can help a person to illuminate these difficulties, work through the painful emotions associated with them, and develop a more authentic and satisfying way of relating to one’s self, others, and the world. How to Take a Break from an Argument Disagreement and conflict are normal parts of close relationships. When we are able to work through a conflict with someone, the relationship becomes closer. On the other hand, when conflicts get heated and go unresolved, this can drive a wedge between ourselves and the people we care about. When an argument goes bad, we can leave it feeling hurt, angry, and misunderstood. If you find yourself having too many of the second kind of conflict, the first step towards more productive disagreements in the future is to learn how to disengage from the unproductive ones.
Conflicts become unproductive when one or both individuals becomes either too overwhelmed or shut-down to think clearly. If the overwhelmed/shut-down individual(s) can realize what is happening to them and calm themselves quickly, they may be able to return to productively engaging in the conflict. To productively engage in a conflict, one must be able to listen to, understand, and articulate the other person’s perspective as well as reflect on and articulate one’s own perspective in a non-defensive way. This doesn’t mean having no feelings about the conflict, rather it means feeling your feelings without being hijacked by them. Sometimes, our buttons get pushed in a conflict and we just can’t help but take things personally. If we can’t calm down enough to engage productively, and continuing just seems to do more harm, then it’s time to take a break. Before we take that break, we need to tell the other person what we intend to do. To do this, you can say something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I’m going to take a break to calm down, but we can return to this conversation again, when I'm calm.” It’s so important to communicate that you intend to take a break, and not to simply walk away. When people walk away without a word in the middle of an argument, the other person may react by following, feeling abandoned, disrespected, or in some other way hurt, making the problem worse. If you’ve been having repeated unproductive conflicts with somebody, it may be beneficial to discuss taking breaks when conflicts get too heated with the other person during a time of calm. After informing the other person of this, go and do something separate from the other, and if you can, do something to help yourself feel calm. Wait for the heavy feelings to ease up, before re-engaging. You may find it useful to specify a time to come back together after the break to keep talking, such as in an hour or at a specific time later in the day when it will be convenient for both of you. It’s important that you follow-through with your promise to continue the discussion, as you said you would, to maintain trust and because conflicts don’t go away just because they are ignored. You can initiate a break in an unproductive argument, even if you feel that it’s only the other person who isn’t able to be reasonable. In this case, still take ownership by stating that you are taking a break to calm down. Putting the blame for the difficulty in the interaction on the other will only make them defensive and lengthen the conflict. The point is to reduce hurt feelings and wasted time in unproductive conflict, so you can get on with resolving things and get closer to the person you care about. Close relationships always come with conflict, and they can be made closer by it. When conflict gets too charged, it goes unresolved and leaves us with a bad taste in our mouth. Knowing when this is happenings, and how to pull yourself away from it to cool off can save a lot of heartache and open up the door eventually moving through what has you at odds with the person you care about. Getting Un-stuck When Life Feels Like Too Much  When life starts to feel like it’s too much, you may find yourself not doing a lot with your free time, staying home, and having little social interaction. A great deal of time at home may be spent trying to find distraction through shows, video games, and chores, or perhaps passing the time by sleeping. Thoughts of finding things to do for pleasure or fun people to be with may seem like they are almost certainly not worth the effort, scary, or doomed to fail for some reason or another. At the same time, you may find yourself having a lot of self-criticism, which only makes you feel worse, making it harder to get out there and get engaged in life. As if all of this was not enough to deal with, you may have a hard time even sorting out what it is that you’d like to be doing with your time in the first place. So how does one get out of this seemingly impossible situation?
Get to know what’s getting in the way. If you’re feeling stuck in this vicious cycle, an important step to getting out of it is to understand better what’s stopping you from making a change. To get this understanding, look to your thoughts, your feelings, and what happens in your body. Try and notice if there are patterns in the ways that you think about yourself, other people, and the world. Sometimes, we have a lot of thoughts about ourselves or others that we may not be totally aware of and that impact how we feel about life nonetheless. If we believe we are supremely deficient in some way, or that things aren’t likely to work out, why would we want to try anything new or challenging? If we expect that we would be treated poorly, or simply not wanted, why look for new relationships? What does it feel like, to think about ourselves and our prospects this way? Notice what’s happening in your body. You may feel tense, weighed down, disconnected or on alert. When you’re around people, or thinking about being around people, you may start to feel overwhelmed with anxiety or irritation. Perhaps your heart starts racing, or maybe you go numb. Try and notice your posture. You may find that you tend to be slumped over a lot of the time or maybe you keep yourself in a rigid position. Check in with your breathing. How deeply do you breath and how fast? Are you holding your breath? Try and notice if there are patterns to the ways that you feel and use your body. Do certain situations or thoughts tend to go along with certain feelings, sensations, postures, and breathing? Try to get active, if you can, even if it’s in a small way. When nothing sounds good, and doing nothing doesn’t sound good, you may have to act anyway. Staying frozen or distracted, lost in thought or overwhelmed with bad feelings isn’t going to get you un-stuck. You may not believe that there is a single thing you can do to feel better, but beliefs and reality are not always in line with one another. The more challenging the beliefs, and the more overwhelming the uncomfortable feelings, the harder it will be to get active. You may find yourself telling yourself that there’s no point in anything you can think of doing, beforehand, but if you get out and test it, there’s a good chance that, at least for a little bit, you’ll feel a little better. Try to push through, if you can, and do at least one thing to take care of yourself, get outside your home, or be with people you enjoy. What you do can be as simple as taking a shower, going for a walk outside, working out, picking up and old hobby again, going out for a cup of coffee, or reaching out to a friend or family member. When you do something active, social, or just to take care of yourself, try and notice if you feel any better than you did before, even if it’s only slightly. Getting active won’t fix everything, and it will probably feel hard again, the next time, but if it made you feel even slightly better, than this is a victory that you can build on. Talk to a therapist. Therapists are professionals at helping people get unstuck in life. When we are lost in thought, overwhelmed, frozen, and disconnected, it becomes hard to see ourselves. A therapist can help you to see yourself better and get insight into what’s got you stuck. If your feeling too much, a therapist can help you find ways to not be too overwhelmed, and if you’re having trouble feeling much at all, they can help you get more connected. Dealing with challenges such as these can be difficult to talk about, and a good therapist will work to make you feel safe and understood. Your challenges may not be easy to fix, and it will likely take time, but you don’t have to face this struggle alone and with the help of a good therapist, you can learn to better cope with, understand, and work your way out of the dark place and into the life you really want. |
RSS Feed